This is sooooo unfair! Or maybe not?
I can feel those tell-tale signs now, signs I’ve now come to know so well. The first little cramp, the slight dizziness, the sore throat, and I know that, once again, this month was not the month for me.
It’s funny (or at least it is now, in hindsight), when people tell me ‘Chidinma, stop crying, at least you can get pregnant. You’re lucky’…hmm…I don’t feel lucky at all. Everytime I miss my period and take a pregnancy test which comes out positive, I start planning for my baby.
I start buying items and clothes, not minding the fact that I probably already have a version of that same item in the room I’ve mapped out as a nursery, all I think about is how cute this new version is.
See, to me, my baby is already on the way. The bond is formed the minute I see that second red line or that ‘Pregnant 1-2weeks’. And that baby is the only thing I can think about from that time till the day I start bleeding again, till the day I have another miscarriage. So, no, I don’t think I’m ‘lucky’ I can get pregnant.
It doesn’t help any when I read in the news of a girl who gave birth and didn’t want the baby and tried to flush the baby down the toilet, or the one who strangled her baby to death, or the one who, with her boyfriend, sexually molested her baby! It used to make me mad, and I wondered why I, with so much love in my heart to give my children, didn’t have any, and those women who didn’t want them got them as easy as pie!
This journey has been a hard one for me. I’ve stayed away from my friends, even when they’ve tried to reach out to me. I’ve all but buried myself in a self-constructed shell.
But you know what? It makes me long harder for the 3 children I know God will bless me with soon, and it actually makes me feel sorry for these women who don’t know what beautiful gifts they’ve been blessed with.
It also makes me question myself too, because I, too, have been guilty of not caring about things that have come so easy to me.
I resolve that, this year, I will reach out to my friends. I’m sure the journey will be less of a hassle with some good people on my side. And I’m looking forward to next month with all the hope in my little heart.
I’m sorry for the rant…just sharing from my little kitchen.